an artist's statement: me and subject, you and object

With regards to a “meaning” or precise definition, my existence is constantly in flux. My existence has changed with every year, month, week, day, hour, and minute to bring me closer/farther to the people I was meant to influence and closer/farther to the people who were meant to influence me in return. I have found my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual journey to be one rooted in a yearning to find focus. I’ve always sought to see things clearly, but more recently (and arguably more importantly), I’ve begun to long to see myself more clearly. This craving is a process, and a cyclical one at that; the moment I feel like I’ve “found” myself, the moment I feel like I’ve seen myself in focus… I change. My desire to see myself clearly and in focus is therefore a constant, recurring endeavor. I am coming to realize and accept that longing to figure myself out, longing to understand my existence will birth insights but also yield endless seeking. I am part of a spiritual network in which there will be moments where my pursuits will shine clarity on both myself and my existence; however, because each new moment changes me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, these moments of clarity, though perhaps attained, will be fleeting as well, and I will once again be “unfocused” and unfound. This circular movement renders countless moments of realization and even more opportunities for learning; it is a movement that has helped me to realize seeing myself in focus is wonderful and comforting, but learning and growing and moving toward those realizations is equally magnificent.

Photography, then, is a means to express this constant flux. It is a way to see myself, or, at least, a way to try. In society, photography aids in various constructions, be it in regards to that which is surface-level or universally, spiritually humanistic. On a personal platform, though, I am able to explore myself through photography; I am able to learn; I am able to search for focus; I am able to analyze what I am drawn toward; I am able to make my own constructions and deconstructions and label them as extensions of myself; I am able to find me. Photography, be it the works of others or myself, helps me to build ideas. I am able to take elements from various images—images of things, people, events, movements—and add them to my construction of self.

There are several artists whose photography strikes me powerfully. Photographers Richard Avedon, Lee Miller, and Man Ray, took striking pictures of themselves, and the ways in which they did so impacted me strongly. Richard Avedon took a series of three photographs later in his life, all of which reveal something unique about him. Two of the three avoid eye contact with the camera entirely, while in the last Avedon timidly glances toward the lens. In 1935, Lee Miller took a self-portrait in which her profile is captured in a striking pose. The viewer, then, only really gets half of her being. In 1942, Man Ray took a self-portrait in which half of his face is shaved. Again there is a play with halves, covering and uncovering. What I find most interesting about these three artists’ self-portraits are their decisions—their posture, their gestures, their eye contact, their expressions, their clothing. These artists all chose to construct themselves in a particular way, and I find the rationale, the emotion, the strict capturing of self fascinating. The artists’ decisions and their reasoning bind them to me, to every human… There is no hiding the struggles and successes; every look, every gesture is a revelation, a decision.